12/31/98

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This picture was taken at a friend’s house in the fall of 1998. We had just driven back from an appointment with a tall, lanky neonatologist in KY. He’d looked at the ultrasound then leaned back in his chair & put his hands on his head, he would lean forward again, peering closely at the screen. I could tell he was formulating his words, making careful choices.. the only ones I remember now are,
“Your first option is to abort.”
“That’s not an option.”
I answered more quickly than I thought, as in the words came out of my mouth when I hadn’t even formed them in my mind. I’m thankful.
On the drive home I looked at my husband & said that I could understand why someone would choose to abort.
He didn’t appreciate that comment.
I knew I wasn’t going to, I had said that immediately, but I also knew this baby wouldn’t live & I suddenly understood how a young mother would choose.
Our baby had a massive defect. Originally thought to be a tumor, several of her organs were outside her body. She was diagnosed with Limb-Body Wall Complex.
The next couple months were filled with doctor’s appointments, tears, sleepless nights, false hopes, prayers, anointing, cards, work, parenting, daily life. Someone asked, “What’s the hardest part right now?”
My answer, “Knowing the worst is yet to come.”.
But right now, in this moment, I would say the worst was the waiting. In that answer above was someone who didn’t know how it was all going to happen. Labor was dangerous, contractions harmful, miscarriage inevitable. No one had the slightest idea of what to expect, but the Lord. He knew so I differed to Him.
Psalm 121:1&2 came to me one night while sleep was impossible. Verses 3&4 were a comfort.

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Her delivery was miraculous, her baptism a spectacular blessing, her sweet little self with diminutive curls and tiny fingers- a gift.
13 years ago today.
And I await the day we all join her in heaven with Christ. Somedays I look at our table and there seems to be an obvious empty place. Other days we’re full.
Today I am content.

There is a wonderful website that I’ve just found for families who have had babies like Jesse. This is such a blessing.

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5 Comments

Filed under attitute of grattitute, faith

5 responses to “12/31/98

  1. Amen…and such a blessing to KNOW your Heavenly Father and TRUST in His promises! Such a difficult journey but how different it is when traveled with FAITH and with the Holy Spirit guiding and God going before you!

  2. Moniqe Wanner

    Kristin, I am lifting you up. I have no words except to say I am thankful for your example of faith and trusting and that you continue to rely on God daily. What a glorious day that will be when you are all reunited. I long for those reunion days in Heaven as well. Love you!

  3. Jewell Flick

    Isn’t it amazing how God makes all things beautiful in His time? The song, What a Day that will be, is running in my head. Even more glorious for you.

  4. Catherine

    Wow, I can’t believe it’s been 13 years! I remember that day/month well. I felt so bad that I couldn’t be there for you in person. How are you guys doing NOW?? Was it a hard day? I can’t wait to meet Jesse Faith one day!!

    • 3kinder

      We are doing okay now. As you know, grief is so strange! It hits me like waves from the ocean. They are always big, but there are gaps between them(now months or even years).
      New Years eve is somewhat normal now. The first few years were awful. I begged to be entertained by friends, I couldn’t stand the thought of being at home. Now I’d rather stay home and I try to make it fun for the kids.

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